Why

“I always wonder, why? Why is it always me?”

Why is it always me who suffers. Why is it always me who takes the pain.

Words can’t describe what I’m feeling right now because it’s beyond miserable.

And I hate feeling this way.

I hate it.

And I’m just out of words right now.

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Learning to live with my depression

“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.”

Growing up I’ve always wanted to be as pretty as the models I see on TV. I’ve always wanted the world to see my worth. But then I realized that I’m never gonna be as pretty as those models.

I realized that I’m never gonna be enough.

I know you guys always hear from other people that “you’re not alone.” “you’re not alone.” “you’re not alone.” But at the end of the day, you will always be alone. I know the thought doesn’t help for you to feel better but with that, you will learn that at the end of the day, the only person that can save you is yourself.

Because the feeling of loneliness will never be easy. It’s like drowning in the middle of the ocean and you know there are people in the ship but no one’s willing to save your ass. That feeling just sucks, big time. It’s one of the worst feelings in this world.

What’s hard sometimes is you can’t feel anything. Or sometimes, you feel everything at once. It’s so frustrating.

And in my case, I can’t be stressed, but I know we all can’t avoid being stressed and tired but that’s the reality of my situation. Because stress triggers my depression. On th otherhand, doing nothing also triggers my depression. Everything I do, even the things I love to do the most, still triggers my depression.

The first year that I suffered from depression, it was really hard for me. I didn’t know what to do. All I want is to vanish. All I want to be is dead.

Later on, I had the courage to seek help from my parents and soon, from an expert. I had my medication and exercises everyday. At first, it was okay. I was doing just fine with the meds and going back to the psychiatrist once a week. After few months, I eventually got tired and started skipping meds. It made me worse.

Months came and I was still fighting a battle I wish I didn’t have. I was fighting for my life. I was protecting myself from my myself. I was battling with the demons inside my head, and it wasn’t easy. It was never easy.

But eventually, I learned to live with my disorder. I learned to master it. I learned to help myself and not depend on other people.

I know it’s hard, and will never be easy. I know it’s tiring to keep fighting for your life but trust me it’s gonna be worth the fight. It’s like me, being inlove with the ocean. It makes me calm, but at the same time, I feel like I’m always drowning and people seem to not care at all. Then I realized that in order to save my life, I should learn how to swim. Swim as fast as I can and find my safe haven.

I know I’m just starting with my journey. There are still challenges and struggles that will come my way and anytime my disorder will trigger and will always be within me but I know I am stronger than any disorder out there.

And yes, I might doubt myself again but I know I can make it. I know I have a bright future and I will not let this disorder get in the way of reaching for my dreams.

SOLITARY

You know what’s funny? It’s people telling me that they will always be there for you and that you are not alone. The truth is, I WILL ALWAYS BE ALONE.

I had a dinner with my officemates last night and I was trying my best to be okay but in the end of the night, I accepted the fact that I AM NOT OKAY. They told me they don’t have enough diesel anymore to drop me off my house so I told them to just drop me off the highway and I’ll just commute.

The result is, I did not commute. I walked home because I don’t feel like going home at that time. I was walking alone and I realized how lonely I am in this city.

I called my friends here, the first one told me she’s with her sisters and friends. I didn’t want to cry and open up with people I didn’t know. The next one is at a relative’s party. I didn’t want to spoil her happiness. The third one is finishing her papers due tomorrow. The last one to answer my call was with his friends too. The others, they didn’t answer my call.

The only people who were willing to spend their time with me that night were my college friends. They asked me where I am and they’ll go to me. The problem is, I am 790.4 kilometers away from them. And at that moment, I wish I could just fly from here all the way to Metro Manila so I could be with them.

Last night I really want to get hit by a car but thanks to one of my college friends, she answered my call.

That night, I just want someone to talk to, but I can’t talk to anyone here besides my college friends.

They might be far away from me, but I always feel their presence here in my heart.

KILL ME NOW

“You wake up. Everything seems perfect. And then in just a blink of an eye, everything shattered into pieces.”

You know what’s killing me?

It’s my fucking depression. Most days I just want to give up and kill myself. I don’t know who I am anymore.

Every night I scroll the contacts in my phone finding no one I can talk to. I can’t even think of anyone that will understand the shits in my life. I can’t think of anyone who will be there for me when I break down in my bathroom at 3 in the morning.

But who fucking cares about me? I’m no one special. I’m not loveable, not even likeable. I’m a complete waste and a mess. A FUCKING MESS and I fucking hate myself for that. Everything I do is wrong. Everything I am is wrong and I’m so tired of living this hell. I’m so tired of the monsters inside my head.

I mean, who would love a depressed girl? Who would want to be with a depressed girl? Who would even like me? I’m not pretty, I’m not smart, I’m not talented, and I don’t even have a sense of humor.

I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I mean, yes I always feel alone. Every day of my life. But now, it’s so much worse. I don’t know a person here that I can call and will be here in a flash. Only my college friends would do that. Even some of them are 2 hours away from me, I always know that they’re going to come for me.

They always tell me that I can do this and that I am stronger and worth more than I think I am. But I’m sorry to disappoint them because I’m not strong like I used to be before. People have hurt me. My feelings have hurt me. Most of all, the monsters in my head have hurt me.

All I need right now is someone that will hug me tight and tell me that everything’s going to be okay. Someone who’s willing to listen to all my shits and will never judge me. Someone who would just be here with me.

loveless

I hate it when I see couples who are too perfect. I’m lying if I say I’m not envious, because I am. Deep inside I want what they have. I want someone to love me for who I am. I want someone who looks at me like how Romeo looks at Juliet.

Even if it’s not perfect, I want to have a relationship like that and to have someone that’s willing to make you happy whatever it takes.

The problem is… I’m scared. I am fucking scared. Of everything. Of getting hurt, of jealousy, of doubt, of unloyalty and everything that can hurt me emotionally when I enter a relationship.

I love the feeling of being inlove. But I’m scared.

Sometimes, I think, maybe I’m gonna die old… and alone.

With nobody by my side.

With no one to hold my hand.

With no one to say I love you before I take my last breath.

And I hate this fucking anxiety.

I just hate everything that’s me.

Darkness Inside Me

It was like running in a total darkness, never knowing where your path is and you don't know when the lights will come. I thought I was not gonna make it, but I did.

Now I don't know how will I ever survive in the real world. I don't know where to go and where to start. I don't know what to do. My mind is in a complete chaos and I am so confused.

I want to be positive about anything and everything but deep beneath me is a girl that doubts herself. A girl who thinks she's not worth it.

Last night, I had a misunderstanding with my dad and the voice inside myself told me to cut myself, so I did. It was painful but It was satisfying. Somehow the pain in my heart faded away.

I went outside and took my dog away for a walk. We were sitting under the sky and the sky last night was just like my life. No moon, no stars, no light. Just plain dull sky.

It made me cry even more. I felt like no one cares. I felt like I'm all alone and in so much pain. All I have that night is my dog, and the cut on my wrist. I watch it as it bleeds and I cry even more.

Right now, I feel like my whole life is falling apart and I don't know how to stand and fix it.

All I know is that I'm shattered into pieces.