Serendipity

“What do you like the most about me?”

“Well that’s a really hard question.”

“Come on. Just answer it”

“Well, I mean, I really like you. And I really love your laugh.”

She always hated how her laugh sounds and that is the first time in her life that made her actually, like really actually appreciate how good her laugh sounds.

This entry is all about that special guy. Special guy that no matter what happens, he will always be THAT special guy.

He was the best thing I never had…

…and will never have.

So… here goes nothing.

I met him exactly three weeks and 5 days ago… but when I talk to him, it feels like years. It feels like I’ve known him all my life. Even if we don’t talk about anything at times, I’m still so comfortable around him.

I don’t know if he feels the same way.

But I hope he does.

What we had was something that I will never regret. He got me out of my shell and I am more confident about myself now. Because of him, I have the motivation and hunger to travel the world someday.

He’s now on the other side of the world, but like what they say, some memories just stick in your bones. Just like salt in the sea. It becomes part of you. What we had was special. What we had was one of the best moments happened to me.

He will always have a special place in my heart. Even not as the guy who I’ll spend my entire life with, but as that special guy that made me feel special and worthy. The guy that made me realise I need to see more of the world. That I need to get out of my shell and this prison so I can be a better version of myself. So I can run wild and free. Away from my insecurities and all the things that’s stopping me from doing the things I love the most.

I can’t even remember the last time I felt so happy before because it’s been so long now. But today… it’s different. I felt that real happiness again. He made me feel what happy feels like. Even it’s just a tiny bit of time.

I feel so safe and so important when I’m around him. When his arms are around me, when he hugs me, when he kisses my forehead and when he holds my hand. I just, feel so safe. And yes… we kissed. I don’t know what that means. We didn’t say that we loved each other. He just told me that he liked me. But that “like” means so much things. Maybe he likes me as a person, or as a friend. I will never know. We’ve never talked about relationships. I don’t know what we are. All I know is he made me really special.

Thinking about him gives me so much pain and happiness at the same time. Happiness because of the memories we’ve made. Very special ones. And pain because of the thought that I’m never gonna see him again. He would eventually forget about me and meet new people. Because that’s life. And life’s unfair.

But I’m still hoping that, that simple handkerchief with an embroidery of his name will make him remember me.

Now, I’m missing a piece of me that’s on the other side of the world. I am missing a piece of me and I am not sure if I am able to get it back in the puzzle of my life again.

But I’m not going to stop hoping. I still believe in destiny.

If we’re meant to be, destiny will find a way. WE, will find a way back to each other. Maybe not now, not next day, not next month, not next year, BUT SOMEDAY. When the time is right. And our hearts will be both ready, even we’re so many miles away from each other. Nothing is impossible right?

And if we’re not meant to be, then maybe we’re better off as friends. Maybe there’s someone better. Maybe there’s someone else for me. Maybe he just came to my life for me to realise how beautiful this life is and how worthy I am as a person.

Despite that, whatever happens to the both of us, he will always, like always… always, have a SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART.

I hope you are happy with your life and I hope you find someone you’ll truly, truly love with all your heart.

I’m not going to find love anymore. I’m just going to wait for it, patiently. Because like what they say, “Good things come to those who wait.”

So much love,
Joanna

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Destiny will find a way

If we’re really meant to be, destiny will find a way. WE will find our way back to each other. If not, I guess this is goodbye.

You are the best thing I will never have. And I’m still happy. For a short period of time you made me feel what real happiness feels like.

Why

“I always wonder, why? Why is it always me?”

Why is it always me who suffers. Why is it always me who takes the pain.

Words can’t describe what I’m feeling right now because it’s beyond miserable.

And I hate feeling this way.

I hate it.

And I’m just out of words right now.

Learning to live with my depression

“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.”

Growing up I’ve always wanted to be as pretty as the models I see on TV. I’ve always wanted the world to see my worth. But then I realized that I’m never gonna be as pretty as those models.

I realized that I’m never gonna be enough.

I know you guys always hear from other people that “you’re not alone.” “you’re not alone.” “you’re not alone.” But at the end of the day, you will always be alone. I know the thought doesn’t help for you to feel better but with that, you will learn that at the end of the day, the only person that can save you is yourself.

Because the feeling of loneliness will never be easy. It’s like drowning in the middle of the ocean and you know there are people in the ship but no one’s willing to save your ass. That feeling just sucks, big time. It’s one of the worst feelings in this world.

What’s hard sometimes is you can’t feel anything. Or sometimes, you feel everything at once. It’s so frustrating.

And in my case, I can’t be stressed, but I know we all can’t avoid being stressed and tired but that’s the reality of my situation. Because stress triggers my depression. On th otherhand, doing nothing also triggers my depression. Everything I do, even the things I love to do the most, still triggers my depression.

The first year that I suffered from depression, it was really hard for me. I didn’t know what to do. All I want is to vanish. All I want to be is dead.

Later on, I had the courage to seek help from my parents and soon, from an expert. I had my medication and exercises everyday. At first, it was okay. I was doing just fine with the meds and going back to the psychiatrist once a week. After few months, I eventually got tired and started skipping meds. It made me worse.

Months came and I was still fighting a battle I wish I didn’t have. I was fighting for my life. I was protecting myself from my myself. I was battling with the demons inside my head, and it wasn’t easy. It was never easy.

But eventually, I learned to live with my disorder. I learned to master it. I learned to help myself and not depend on other people.

I know it’s hard, and will never be easy. I know it’s tiring to keep fighting for your life but trust me it’s gonna be worth the fight. It’s like me, being inlove with the ocean. It makes me calm, but at the same time, I feel like I’m always drowning and people seem to not care at all. Then I realized that in order to save my life, I should learn how to swim. Swim as fast as I can and find my safe haven.

I know I’m just starting with my journey. There are still challenges and struggles that will come my way and anytime my disorder will trigger and will always be within me but I know I am stronger than any disorder out there.

And yes, I might doubt myself again but I know I can make it. I know I have a bright future and I will not let this disorder get in the way of reaching for my dreams.

KILL ME NOW

“You wake up. Everything seems perfect. And then in just a blink of an eye, everything shattered into pieces.”

You know what’s killing me?

It’s my fucking depression. Most days I just want to give up and kill myself. I don’t know who I am anymore.

Every night I scroll the contacts in my phone finding no one I can talk to. I can’t even think of anyone that will understand the shits in my life. I can’t think of anyone who will be there for me when I break down in my bathroom at 3 in the morning.

But who fucking cares about me? I’m no one special. I’m not loveable, not even likeable. I’m a complete waste and a mess. A FUCKING MESS and I fucking hate myself for that. Everything I do is wrong. Everything I am is wrong and I’m so tired of living this hell. I’m so tired of the monsters inside my head.

I mean, who would love a depressed girl? Who would want to be with a depressed girl? Who would even like me? I’m not pretty, I’m not smart, I’m not talented, and I don’t even have a sense of humor.

I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I mean, yes I always feel alone. Every day of my life. But now, it’s so much worse. I don’t know a person here that I can call and will be here in a flash. Only my college friends would do that. Even some of them are 2 hours away from me, I always know that they’re going to come for me.

They always tell me that I can do this and that I am stronger and worth more than I think I am. But I’m sorry to disappoint them because I’m not strong like I used to be before. People have hurt me. My feelings have hurt me. Most of all, the monsters in my head have hurt me.

All I need right now is someone that will hug me tight and tell me that everything’s going to be okay. Someone who’s willing to listen to all my shits and will never judge me. Someone who would just be here with me.

loveless

I hate it when I see couples who are too perfect. I’m lying if I say I’m not envious, because I am. Deep inside I want what they have. I want someone to love me for who I am. I want someone who looks at me like how Romeo looks at Juliet.

Even if it’s not perfect, I want to have a relationship like that and to have someone that’s willing to make you happy whatever it takes.

The problem is… I’m scared. I am fucking scared. Of everything. Of getting hurt, of jealousy, of doubt, of unloyalty and everything that can hurt me emotionally when I enter a relationship.

I love the feeling of being inlove. But I’m scared.

Sometimes, I think, maybe I’m gonna die old… and alone.

With nobody by my side.

With no one to hold my hand.

With no one to say I love you before I take my last breath.

And I hate this fucking anxiety.

I just hate everything that’s me.

Darkness Inside Me

It was like running in a total darkness, never knowing where your path is and you don't know when the lights will come. I thought I was not gonna make it, but I did.

Now I don't know how will I ever survive in the real world. I don't know where to go and where to start. I don't know what to do. My mind is in a complete chaos and I am so confused.

I want to be positive about anything and everything but deep beneath me is a girl that doubts herself. A girl who thinks she's not worth it.

Last night, I had a misunderstanding with my dad and the voice inside myself told me to cut myself, so I did. It was painful but It was satisfying. Somehow the pain in my heart faded away.

I went outside and took my dog away for a walk. We were sitting under the sky and the sky last night was just like my life. No moon, no stars, no light. Just plain dull sky.

It made me cry even more. I felt like no one cares. I felt like I'm all alone and in so much pain. All I have that night is my dog, and the cut on my wrist. I watch it as it bleeds and I cry even more.

Right now, I feel like my whole life is falling apart and I don't know how to stand and fix it.

All I know is that I'm shattered into pieces.