“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.”
Growing up I’ve always wanted to be as pretty as the models I see on TV. I’ve always wanted the world to see my worth. But then I realized that I’m never gonna be as pretty as those models.
I realized that I’m never gonna be enough.
I know you guys always hear from other people that “you’re not alone.” “you’re not alone.” “you’re not alone.” But at the end of the day, you will always be alone. I know the thought doesn’t help for you to feel better but with that, you will learn that at the end of the day, the only person that can save you is yourself.
Because the feeling of loneliness will never be easy. It’s like drowning in the middle of the ocean and you know there are people in the ship but no one’s willing to save your ass. That feeling just sucks, big time. It’s one of the worst feelings in this world.
What’s hard sometimes is you can’t feel anything. Or sometimes, you feel everything at once. It’s so frustrating.
And in my case, I can’t be stressed, but I know we all can’t avoid being stressed and tired but that’s the reality of my situation. Because stress triggers my depression. On th otherhand, doing nothing also triggers my depression. Everything I do, even the things I love to do the most, still triggers my depression.
The first year that I suffered from depression, it was really hard for me. I didn’t know what to do. All I want is to vanish. All I want to be is dead.
Later on, I had the courage to seek help from my parents and soon, from an expert. I had my medication and exercises everyday. At first, it was okay. I was doing just fine with the meds and going back to the psychiatrist once a week. After few months, I eventually got tired and started skipping meds. It made me worse.
Months came and I was still fighting a battle I wish I didn’t have. I was fighting for my life. I was protecting myself from my myself. I was battling with the demons inside my head, and it wasn’t easy. It was never easy.
But eventually, I learned to live with my disorder. I learned to master it. I learned to help myself and not depend on other people.
I know it’s hard, and will never be easy. I know it’s tiring to keep fighting for your life but trust me it’s gonna be worth the fight. It’s like me, being inlove with the ocean. It makes me calm, but at the same time, I feel like I’m always drowning and people seem to not care at all. Then I realized that in order to save my life, I should learn how to swim. Swim as fast as I can and find my safe haven.
I know I’m just starting with my journey. There are still challenges and struggles that will come my way and anytime my disorder will trigger and will always be within me but I know I am stronger than any disorder out there.
And yes, I might doubt myself again but I know I can make it. I know I have a bright future and I will not let this disorder get in the way of reaching for my dreams.