SOLITARY

You know what’s funny? It’s people telling me that they will always be there for you and that you are not alone. The truth is, I WILL ALWAYS BE ALONE.

I had a dinner with my officemates last night and I was trying my best to be okay but in the end of the night, I accepted the fact that I AM NOT OKAY. They told me they don’t have enough diesel anymore to drop me off my house so I told them to just drop me off the highway and I’ll just commute.

The result is, I did not commute. I walked home because I don’t feel like going home at that time. I was walking alone and I realized how lonely I am in this city.

I called my friends here, the first one told me she’s with her sisters and friends. I didn’t want to cry and open up with people I didn’t know. The next one is at a relative’s party. I didn’t want to spoil her happiness. The third one is finishing her papers due tomorrow. The last one to answer my call was with his friends too. The others, they didn’t answer my call.

The only people who were willing to spend their time with me that night were my college friends. They asked me where I am and they’ll go to me. The problem is, I am 790.4 kilometers away from them. And at that moment, I wish I could just fly from here all the way to Metro Manila so I could be with them.

Last night I really want to get hit by a car but thanks to one of my college friends, she answered my call.

That night, I just want someone to talk to, but I can’t talk to anyone here besides my college friends.

They might be far away from me, but I always feel their presence here in my heart.

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KILL ME NOW

“You wake up. Everything seems perfect. And then in just a blink of an eye, everything shattered into pieces.”

You know what’s killing me?

It’s my fucking depression. Most days I just want to give up and kill myself. I don’t know who I am anymore.

Every night I scroll the contacts in my phone finding no one I can talk to. I can’t even think of anyone that will understand the shits in my life. I can’t think of anyone who will be there for me when I break down in my bathroom at 3 in the morning.

But who fucking cares about me? I’m no one special. I’m not loveable, not even likeable. I’m a complete waste and a mess. A FUCKING MESS and I fucking hate myself for that. Everything I do is wrong. Everything I am is wrong and I’m so tired of living this hell. I’m so tired of the monsters inside my head.

I mean, who would love a depressed girl? Who would want to be with a depressed girl? Who would even like me? I’m not pretty, I’m not smart, I’m not talented, and I don’t even have a sense of humor.

I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I mean, yes I always feel alone. Every day of my life. But now, it’s so much worse. I don’t know a person here that I can call and will be here in a flash. Only my college friends would do that. Even some of them are 2 hours away from me, I always know that they’re going to come for me.

They always tell me that I can do this and that I am stronger and worth more than I think I am. But I’m sorry to disappoint them because I’m not strong like I used to be before. People have hurt me. My feelings have hurt me. Most of all, the monsters in my head have hurt me.

All I need right now is someone that will hug me tight and tell me that everything’s going to be okay. Someone who’s willing to listen to all my shits and will never judge me. Someone who would just be here with me.

loveless

I hate it when I see couples who are too perfect. I’m lying if I say I’m not envious, because I am. Deep inside I want what they have. I want someone to love me for who I am. I want someone who looks at me like how Romeo looks at Juliet.

Even if it’s not perfect, I want to have a relationship like that and to have someone that’s willing to make you happy whatever it takes.

The problem is… I’m scared. I am fucking scared. Of everything. Of getting hurt, of jealousy, of doubt, of unloyalty and everything that can hurt me emotionally when I enter a relationship.

I love the feeling of being inlove. But I’m scared.

Sometimes, I think, maybe I’m gonna die old… and alone.

With nobody by my side.

With no one to hold my hand.

With no one to say I love you before I take my last breath.

And I hate this fucking anxiety.

I just hate everything that’s me.

Darkness Inside Me

It was like running in a total darkness, never knowing where your path is and you don't know when the lights will come. I thought I was not gonna make it, but I did.

Now I don't know how will I ever survive in the real world. I don't know where to go and where to start. I don't know what to do. My mind is in a complete chaos and I am so confused.

I want to be positive about anything and everything but deep beneath me is a girl that doubts herself. A girl who thinks she's not worth it.

Last night, I had a misunderstanding with my dad and the voice inside myself told me to cut myself, so I did. It was painful but It was satisfying. Somehow the pain in my heart faded away.

I went outside and took my dog away for a walk. We were sitting under the sky and the sky last night was just like my life. No moon, no stars, no light. Just plain dull sky.

It made me cry even more. I felt like no one cares. I felt like I'm all alone and in so much pain. All I have that night is my dog, and the cut on my wrist. I watch it as it bleeds and I cry even more.

Right now, I feel like my whole life is falling apart and I don't know how to stand and fix it.

All I know is that I'm shattered into pieces.

Second Home

Being rejected by the company of your choice is one of the worst feelings in life.

If I were my old self today, I would give up and lose hope and confidence in myself. But I’m not that girl anymore. I pushed myself to find other companies.

One company said that I lack experience, the other that I applied for the cameraman position said that they don’t have a “female” cameraman. Hah! Talk about gender inequality.

And like what they say, if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. I just thought, maybe these companies ain’t good enough to make me a better media practitioner. Maybe they aren’t the right company for me because God knows I deserve better.

I kept looking. And looking. And looking. And I waited for three months.

Then one day, a friend of mine told me there’s a job opening in a real estate company in our city, so I immediately passed my resume to the said company.

I’ve had like 3 types of exam. Abstract, Grammar and Numerical and one essay type. There was 5 of us there, and after taking the exam, we were interviewed by the HR one by one. I was the last one. It went well I think. And she told me that the Marketing OIC will interview also, after I take my lunch break. When I got back, I didn’t expect that it will be a long interview. But I’m pretty confident it went well.

I waited for like 2 weeks for them to call me. And the HR contacted me that I will have an interview with the Marketing Head. I was nervous. It’s the boss. And there were four of us that he interviewed. So when it’s my turn to be interviewed, I wore the brightest smile I could have and the energy and jolliness.

After two days, I received a text from the HR that the Marketing Head wants to talk to me, and offered me the job I wanted and a salary that’s above minimum. I wasn’t expecting that the salary he offered would be that high. So I was very happy and went back home excitedly to tell everyone the good news.

Now I finally found the company that’s right for me. The company who accepted me and gave me a chance to prove myself. The company who believes in me and every little thing I can do. The company who saw my potential and ability.

And this company will be my second home for the next few years.

So just some piece of advice…

If you’ll just keep looking and stay patient, the right one will come for you at the right time, and right place.
You just have to wait. 🙂

Monster in my Head

I feel like life is making fun of me. Mocking me. And I feel like it’s me against the world even if I know deep inside me that there are people who truly care for me and accept me for who I am.

The thing is, sometimes I feel so lonely. I do like being alone sometimes but I hate the feeling of being lonely. Lonely like you don’t have any friends. Lonely like everyone hates you. Lonely like you don’t know who you are anymore.

I know I can do a lot of things in my life and I know I have a lot of abilities and skills but I feel like a failure. I feel like I’ve disappointed my parents and I will never ever be able to give back everything they did for me.

I don’t even understand myself anymore. So I’m thinking… if I don’t understand myself, how could other people understand me?

It’s so hard to open up to people. I don’t know why but I don’t like opening up to other people (except when I’m drunk and wasted).

I’m trying so hard to be a better person, friend and daughter but I feel like I’ve disappointed all of them. I don’t even know how to comfort a friend. Sometimes I feel like I’m so selfish for not being able to give them advice and words of wisdom while they always motivate me and lighten up my mood. I can’t do what they can do. What I can do is to disappoint and hurt everyone around me.

Other people’s monster sleep under their bed. But mine lives inside my head.