Darkness Inside Me

It was like running in a total darkness, never knowing where your path is and you don't know when the lights will come. I thought I was not gonna make it, but I did.

Now I don't know how will I ever survive in the real world. I don't know where to go and where to start. I don't know what to do. My mind is in a complete chaos and I am so confused.

I want to be positive about anything and everything but deep beneath me is a girl that doubts herself. A girl who thinks she's not worth it.

Last night, I had a misunderstanding with my dad and the voice inside myself told me to cut myself, so I did. It was painful but It was satisfying. Somehow the pain in my heart faded away.

I went outside and took my dog away for a walk. We were sitting under the sky and the sky last night was just like my life. No moon, no stars, no light. Just plain dull sky.

It made me cry even more. I felt like no one cares. I felt like I'm all alone and in so much pain. All I have that night is my dog, and the cut on my wrist. I watch it as it bleeds and I cry even more.

Right now, I feel like my whole life is falling apart and I don't know how to stand and fix it.

All I know is that I'm shattered into pieces.

Second Home

Being rejected by the company of your choice is one of the worst feelings in life.

If I were my old self today, I would give up and lose hope and confidence in myself. But I’m not that girl anymore. I pushed myself to find other companies.

One company said that I lack experience, the other that I applied for the cameraman position said that they don’t have a “female” cameraman. Hah! Talk about gender inequality.

And like what they say, if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. I just thought, maybe these companies ain’t good enough to make me a better media practitioner. Maybe they aren’t the right company for me because God knows I deserve better.

I kept looking. And looking. And looking. And I waited for three months.

Then one day, a friend of mine told me there’s a job opening in a real estate company in our city, so I immediately passed my resume to the said company.

I’ve had like 3 types of exam. Abstract, Grammar and Numerical and one essay type. There was 5 of us there, and after taking the exam, we were interviewed by the HR one by one. I was the last one. It went well I think. And she told me that the Marketing OIC will interview also, after I take my lunch break. When I got back, I didn’t expect that it will be a long interview. But I’m pretty confident it went well.

I waited for like 2 weeks for them to call me. And the HR contacted me that I will have an interview with the Marketing Head. I was nervous. It’s the boss. And there were four of us that he interviewed. So when it’s my turn to be interviewed, I wore the brightest smile I could have and the energy and jolliness.

After two days, I received a text from the HR that the Marketing Head wants to talk to me, and offered me the job I wanted and a salary that’s above minimum. I wasn’t expecting that the salary he offered would be that high. So I was very happy and went back home excitedly to tell everyone the good news.

Now I finally found the company that’s right for me. The company who accepted me and gave me a chance to prove myself. The company who believes in me and every little thing I can do. The company who saw my potential and ability.

And this company will be my second home for the next few years.

So just some piece of advice…

If you’ll just keep looking and stay patient, the right one will come for you at the right time, and right place.
You just have to wait. ­čÖé

Monster in my Head

I feel like life is making fun of me. Mocking me. And I feel like it’s me against the world even if I know deep inside me that there are people who truly care for me and accept me for who I am.

The thing is, sometimes I feel so lonely. I do like being alone sometimes but I hate the feeling of being lonely. Lonely like you don’t have any friends. Lonely like everyone hates you. Lonely like you don’t know who you are anymore.

I know I can do a lot of things in my life and I know I have a lot of abilities and skills but I feel like a failure. I feel like I’ve disappointed my parents and I will never ever be able to give back everything they did for me.

I don’t even understand myself anymore. So I’m thinking… if I don’t understand myself, how could other people understand me?

It’s so hard to open up to people. I don’t know why but I don’t like opening up to other people (except when I’m drunk and wasted).

I’m trying so hard to be a better person, friend and daughter but I feel like I’ve disappointed all of them. I don’t even know how to comfort a friend. Sometimes I feel like I’m so selfish for not being able to give them advice and words of wisdom while they always motivate me and lighten up my mood. I can’t do what they can do. What I can do is to disappoint and hurt everyone around me.

Other people’s monster sleep under their bed. But mine lives inside my head.

Rain

It’s a cold rainy morning and I’m sitting on the sofa in our balcony beside my dog named Moana while reading Alexandra Horowitz’s “Inside of a Dog.”

It’s normal how most people find it irritating when it’s raining, but I love it when it’s raining.

I can think, and meditate hearing the drops of the rain in our roof. And I love how cold it is especially in the morning. I want to go out and run outside and enjoy the rain. It makes me feel free and liberated. I cannot imagine life without rain.

I could still remember my high school days when my friend Shaira and I used to go outside when it’s raining and we come back to our classroom with our uniform and sweater soaking wet.

The first thing I can think of doing when it’s raining is to read a book and to write and write and write until I run out of ideas.
Rain don’t just make me feel free and calm. It makes me feel free and forget the pain I endure on the inside.

The home I don’t recognize anymore

Palawan is said to be the Last Frontier of the Philippines and the best island in the world.
I am indeed proud to be a Palawe├▒o and I never stopped being a Palawe├▒o despite me, studying college in the big city, Manila. I may go to other places, but home is always there.
To my surprise, home isn’t the same anymore. This time, I want to let out all the anger and pain that I am feeling as I set my feet in Palawan.
Yes, there are a lot of beautiful islands and places here and Coron, Tubattaha Reef, and Kalayaan Island are some islands that will always be a paradise. In all those three, I’ve only been to Coron and it was perfect. I never want to leave the place. The people were so hospitable and kind. It’s a small town but it is a paradise that you never want to leave.
On the other hand, I was disappointed as we arrived in el nido. The shore at beach are full of trash from I don’t know who. One of the hotels’ canal is directed to the shore and it was digusting to see and smell. I was sorry for my friends from Manila because they never got to see the beauty of the shore and the little town of el nido.
The only beauty that never changed was their islands in the island hopping tour.

And of course, oh my Puerto Princesa City.
Puerto Princesa that made me who I am in college, Puerto Princesa where I was born and grew up as a teenager.
It was beautiful then, still beautiful now but there a some places that are full of trash. As you know, we have been called the cleanest and greenest city in the Philippines but now, I don’t think we are the cleanest anymore.
I want to say so many things that I’m disappointed with but I can’t find the right words to describe them.
For now, that’s all I can say.
I still love my Puerto Princesa City though, but I don’t recognize it anymore. So many things have changed not only to the city but its people too. I feel like a stranger in a place I do not know anymore.

Batak Tribe in Palawan

I came home to find myself, but I found a purpose.


This may be one of safe havens for me. Quiet life, away from the city, simple life, and happy people.This is the Batak tribe, one of the precious tribes of Palawan, residing Sitio Tagnaya, Purok Nagsikap, Bgy. Concepcion, Palawan, Philippines. They are already an endangered tribe with a population of 152, according to their head count last year.


We arrived at the village with a warm welcome from their chieftain and other Bataks. I observed every house, and it’s just simple, but the people who live there are so happy and thankful for everything they have despite their hardships in life.


The Batak children, who only have one room for grades 1-6, strive hard to study and learn despite the insufficient school supplies. They are full of hope and happiness that I thought I could never have. But they gave me hope… and purpose.


Now I want to share to the world how precious these people are and how rich their hearts and culture are.