It’s a cold rainy morning and I’m sitting on the sofa in our balcony beside my dog named Moana while reading Alexandra Horowitz’s “Inside of a Dog.”
It’s normal how most people find it irritating when it’s raining, but I love it when it’s raining.
I can think, and meditate hearing the drops of the rain in our roof. And I love how cold it is especially in the morning. I want to go out and run outside and enjoy the rain. It makes me feel free and liberated. I cannot imagine life without rain.
I could still remember my high school days when my friend Shaira and I used to go outside when it’s raining and we come back to our classroom with our uniform and sweater soaking wet.
The first thing I can think of doing when it’s raining is to read a book and to write and write and write until I run out of ideas.
Rain don’t just make me feel free and calm. It makes me feel free and forget the pain I endure on the inside.
Palawan is said to be the Last Frontier of the Philippines and the best island in the world.
I am indeed proud to be a Palaweño and I never stopped being a Palaweño despite me, studying college in the big city, Manila. I may go to other places, but home is always there.
To my surprise, home isn’t the same anymore. This time, I want to let out all the anger and pain that I am feeling as I set my feet in Palawan.
Yes, there are a lot of beautiful islands and places here and Coron, Tubattaha Reef, and Kalayaan Island are some islands that will always be a paradise. In all those three, I’ve only been to Coron and it was perfect. I never want to leave the place. The people were so hospitable and kind. It’s a small town but it is a paradise that you never want to leave.
On the other hand, I was disappointed as we arrived in el nido. The shore at beach are full of trash from I don’t know who. One of the hotels’ canal is directed to the shore and it was digusting to see and smell. I was sorry for my friends from Manila because they never got to see the beauty of the shore and the little town of el nido.
The only beauty that never changed was their islands in the island hopping tour.
And of course, oh my Puerto Princesa City.
Puerto Princesa that made me who I am in college, Puerto Princesa where I was born and grew up as a teenager.
It was beautiful then, still beautiful now but there a some places that are full of trash. As you know, we have been called the cleanest and greenest city in the Philippines but now, I don’t think we are the cleanest anymore.
I want to say so many things that I’m disappointed with but I can’t find the right words to describe them.
For now, that’s all I can say.
I still love my Puerto Princesa City though, but I don’t recognize it anymore. So many things have changed not only to the city but its people too. I feel like a stranger in a place I do not know anymore.
I came home to find myself, but I found a purpose.
This may be one of safe havens for me. Quiet life, away from the city, simple life, and happy people.This is the Batak tribe, one of the precious tribes of Palawan, residing Sitio Tagnaya, Purok Nagsikap, Bgy. Concepcion, Palawan, Philippines. They are already an endangered tribe with a population of 152, according to their head count last year.
We arrived at the village with a warm welcome from their chieftain and other Bataks. I observed every house, and it’s just simple, but the people who live there are so happy and thankful for everything they have despite their hardships in life.
The Batak children, who only have one room for grades 1-6, strive hard to study and learn despite the insufficient school supplies. They are full of hope and happiness that I thought I could never have. But they gave me hope… and purpose.
Now I want to share to the world how precious these people are and how rich their hearts and culture are.
This was my first time to join a 21-kilometer marathon. For the past years, I only join 3-kilometer or 5-kilometer marathons.
At first I wasn’t confident enough if I could finish it. I thought at the middle of the marathon, I would give up like the few runners who joined. But I told myself, “If I want to prove everyone that I can do things they thought I can’t, I should finish this until the end as long as my feet can still endure the pain.” I want to prove that I’m strong enough to do this.
As I reached the finish line, I was so proud of myself and happy at the same time because I can see how the other runners cheer and applaud for every person who will reach the finish line.
Here I am, just finished my very first 21-kilometer marathon. 🙂
I’m a complete mess.
I know I am.
I can see it in me. In my face and deep beneath my eyes.
I see nothing but a girl who doesn’t know who the hell she is anymore.
A girl who’s tired and so drained of pretending. Pretending that she has a perfect life. Pretending that she’s happy.
But she cannot fool herself. She knows deep beneath her that she’s nothing but a waste.
Everyday she’s always thinking…
Who will ever love her for the complete mess that she is.
I don’t know what’s happening to me.
I just want to die.
I’m getting tired of living this life.
I’m getting tired of living this hell inside my head.
I’m tired of keeping my problems to myself because no one else will ever listen to me.
I’m just tired.
Everyday I wake up thinking how will I ever survive the day. I face my days with a lot of courage and pretending.
I pretend that I’m okay and I’m happy. But deep beneath me, I’m just a dead girl inside and every night, I cry myself to sleep. I think about everything at once and I can’t stop thinking about the past, the present and future.
I travel. Or I listen to music or I go to the beach and I forget everything. Those are the only things that makes me calm.
I’d do everything I can just to stop this pain inside. I just want to be happy.
Like, really really happy. Because I can no longer remember the last time I felt so happy in my life.
I just wanna feel again…
I was talking to my high school friend in facebook chat and she asked me where I’m gonna spend my summer at. I told her the places I’m gonna go. And she told me, “You deserve a break, because you’ve been strong enough for you.”
And a friend wrote in my uniform during our last batch photoshoot, “You are worth more that what you think you are.” Reading and hearing words like that gives me so much hope in my life and people like them gives me so much strength.
I spent 1 year and 4 months to fight my battle in college. I can still remember breaking down and crying three to five times a day, crying myself to sleep, self harming, tryig to overdose my precribed meds and waking up thinking I can’t survive the day.
Now, I’m finally graduating. I just hope that I can conquer my battle in the real world. But I can promise you that I will be stronger than I was before and I’m not gonna let anyone get in my way to my real happiness.
But I’d be taking a break from reality for a while and just relax and meditate in the ocean, my home.