This was my first time to join a 21-kilometer marathon. For the past years, I only join 3-kilometer or 5-kilometer marathons.
At first I wasn’t confident enough if I could finish it. I thought at the middle of the marathon, I would give up like the few runners who joined. But I told myself, “If I want to prove everyone that I can do things they thought I can’t, I should finish this until the end as long as my feet can still endure the pain.” I want to prove that I’m strong enough to do this.
As I reached the finish line, I was so proud of myself and happy at the same time because I can see how the other runners cheer and applaud for every person who will reach the finish line.
Here I am, just finished my very first 21-kilometer marathon. 🙂
I’m a complete mess.
I know I am.
I can see it in me. In my face and deep beneath my eyes.
I see nothing but a girl who doesn’t know who the hell she is anymore.
A girl who’s tired and so drained of pretending. Pretending that she has a perfect life. Pretending that she’s happy.
But she cannot fool herself. She knows deep beneath her that she’s nothing but a waste.
Everyday she’s always thinking…
Who will ever love her for the complete mess that she is.
I don’t know what’s happening to me.
I just want to die.
I’m getting tired of living this life.
I’m getting tired of living this hell inside my head.
I’m tired of keeping my problems to myself because no one else will ever listen to me.
I’m just tired.
Everyday I wake up thinking how will I ever survive the day. I face my days with a lot of courage and pretending.
I pretend that I’m okay and I’m happy. But deep beneath me, I’m just a dead girl inside and every night, I cry myself to sleep. I think about everything at once and I can’t stop thinking about the past, the present and future.
I travel. Or I listen to music or I go to the beach and I forget everything. Those are the only things that makes me calm.
I’d do everything I can just to stop this pain inside. I just want to be happy.
Like, really really happy. Because I can no longer remember the last time I felt so happy in my life.
I just wanna feel again…
I was talking to my high school friend in facebook chat and she asked me where I’m gonna spend my summer at. I told her the places I’m gonna go. And she told me, “You deserve a break, because you’ve been strong enough for you.”
And a friend wrote in my uniform during our last batch photoshoot, “You are worth more that what you think you are.” Reading and hearing words like that gives me so much hope in my life and people like them gives me so much strength.
I spent 1 year and 4 months to fight my battle in college. I can still remember breaking down and crying three to five times a day, crying myself to sleep, self harming, tryig to overdose my precribed meds and waking up thinking I can’t survive the day.
Now, I’m finally graduating. I just hope that I can conquer my battle in the real world. But I can promise you that I will be stronger than I was before and I’m not gonna let anyone get in my way to my real happiness.
But I’d be taking a break from reality for a while and just relax and meditate in the ocean, my home.
I was born and raised in the beautiful island of Palawan. So I’m used to going to the beach and get burned in the sun, unlike most city people.
Growing up, the sea has always been my safe haven. Everytime I’m in the ocean, I feel like I’m home, safe and sound.
The ocean always and will always wipe away my problems and everything that’s keeping my life fall apart.
That’s why I promised myself, wherever I may be, I will always come back home.
This beautiful island will always be a huge part of who I am.
Two of my friends once said to me that I am one of their inspirations. Because despite all my struggles, I didn’t let my disorder stop me from living my life. Well, yes I am their inspiration, but to me, friends like them are my strength.
I admit I’m a bit disappointed to see my grades because I know I can do better. I don’t blame myself. I blame my depression. I always remind myself of what my psychiatrist said to me, “It’s not your fault. It’s the fault of your disorder.” I always keep that in mind for me to stop blaming myself for everything that’s happening to me.
Someone said to me that most people who suffer from bipolar, depression and anxiety disorder choose to stop studying for them to focus on treating themselves. I was already thinking of giving up my education for me to be able to focus on healing myself. But I know I can do great things. So I pushed myself and studied even though it was hard for me to get up in the morning and pretend I’m okay. Even though it’s hard for me to understand the lessons. And even though I always lack concentration because my anxiety and depression is always taking over my head.
My grades may not be good enough for me, I just wish it’s good enough for my parents. Because that’s what matters to me. Making my parents proud and happy because they’ve been through a lot. They are so patient and understanding to me. They did everything in their power to keep me happy and to give me a life that they never had.
Now I’m about to face the real world and I know it’s going to be a challenge to me. I don’t even know if I’m ready to face it but with my family by my side, I know I can do anything.